Local Church Establishes Heretical Book Buyback Program
SAN ANTONIO, TX—“No questions asked,” the sign reads above the booth proudly set up inside Alamo Heights Bible Church’s foyer. The booth is the heart and soul of the church’s new heretical book buyback...
View ArticleLocal Dad To Keep Assuming Kids Learning All The Important Stuff In Sunday...
SHAWNEE, KS—Saying he appears content with his lack of motivation to teach his children essential spiritual truths, sources confirmed that local father Robert Mosher is just going to keep assuming that...
View ArticleMan Caught With Copy Of Relevant Magazine Swears He Just Reads It For The...
BOSTON, MA—According to local sources, a man by the name of William Garrick was spotted by one of his friends reading the most recent issue of Relevant Magazine Thursday, at which time Garrick “swore...
View ArticleAl Mohler Daily Trekking Up Himalayan Mountain To Spar With Clandestine...
SOMEWHERE IN INDIA—Citing his need to “take it easy” during his podcast’s summer hiatus, prolific theologian and Southern Baptist Theological Seminary president R. Albert Mohler is reportedly making an...
View ArticleLocal Man To Mortify Indwelling Sin Of Laziness, Tomorrow
LANSING, MI—Citing a recent study of the book of Proverbs as the source of his inspiration and conviction, local Christian Jonathan Pease boldly declared Friday afternoon that he will launch his...
View ArticleWoman Finally Accepts Doctrine Of Total Depravity Now That Daughter Is Two
NEW YORK, NY—Mary Eastwood, 29, says she struggled for years to accept the biblical teaching that human beings are innately corrupted by sin, preferring instead to think that people are basically good....
View ArticlePastor Assures Seniors Organ Sent Away To Nice, Big Farm In Country
MANCHESTER, NH—Senior church members who had begun to grow worried over the sudden disappearance of Manchester Baptist Church’s pipe organ were reassured by Pastor Claude Friday evening that the...
View ArticlePastor Somehow Able To Make Himself Hero Of Sermon On Election
LEXINGTON, KY—By dramatically re-telling a story about his involvement in helping a woman after she was in a car accident, Pastor Chuck Vickery of New Hope Christian Church was amazingly able to make...
View ArticleChurch Attendance Spikes Nationwide Due To Influx Of Pokémon GO Players
U.S.—Hit mobile game Pokémon GO has taken the world by storm, and churches are benefiting handsomely from the augmented reality phenomenon. According to a survey of America’s churches, 82% reported a...
View ArticleModern-Day Prophet Batting An Impressive .300
MIAMI, FL—As the long summer stretch gets underway, local prophet-evangelist-apostle-healer David Bakker’s accurate prophecy average (APA) is hovering just above .300, edging out all other prophesiers...
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